Movie Reviews
Road House
I have failed you. In the course of several columns I have reviewed some good movies and some bad ones, featuring everything from zombies to Europeans. But in my foolishness I have neglected the movie from which all bad movie reviews flow, the movie for which bitter, angry movie critics live. I have neglected... »
Desperado
Ah, Desperado. A film a friend of mine once referred to as “The Adventures of the Mexican Punisher.” A film that features Antonio Banderas doing what Antonio Banderas does best: staring into the camera with his smoky eyes, brushing his unkempt yet feminine locks from those eyes, passionately embracing female leads, and shooting people... »
Bulletproof Monk
My wife asked me, as we left the theater, if I enjoyed Bulletproof Monk. I told her that I did, but I felt guilty for doing so — because Bulletproof Monk is a very silly film that, by any objective standard, is a dreadful movie. I liked it anyway. That does not mean, however,... »
The Delivery
There is a reason that successful action movies do not star bland Europeans driving blue Volvo station wagons. And there is a reason that when most fans of cinema think of successful action movies, they do not think of director Roel Reiné. The first reason is that people with French names seldom accomplish much... »
Stephen King's Rose Red
Imagine, if you will, that you have in your home a small office. It is a pleasant enough office. Its shelves are covered in sentimental knicknacks and sag with books. Your desk is cluttered, but you know where everything is. You keep a small plant on the windowsill that you hope does not die.... »
Godzilla 2000
Godzilla 2000 is a real Godzilla movie. Unlike the recent version featuring Hank Azaria, a soundtrack that included Puff Daddy raping Led Zeppelin (that’s not a typo), and a computer-generated monster that couldn’t kill much more than Matthew Broderick’s career, this Toho production has what all Godzilla fans want: a guy in a big rubber... »
Mosquito
I once told my wife that I would prefer it if insects were much larger, provided there were a proportionate reduction in their numbers. I would rather have 100 beetles the size of dogs instead of 100,000 beetles of normal size. The bigger beetles would be visible from a long way off; you’d know they... »